From the top: 
 
	- you need to have a strong promotion recommendation in the opener.  If you truly are the #1, the CO is going to say how/why.  This is where you might see something like "Ranks # of ## PO1s.  Crucial to my XXX mission.  Select now for MNC!" or "Already performing as a CPO, make pants match the shirt!"  
	 
	- your leadership bullet reads like a collateral.  What's the impact of your leadership? What are people accomplishing under your leadership? Retention? Promotion? Training? Also, too many words:  "Led 42 Sailors that resulted in 93% mobilization readiness; ensured rapid deployment ISO national security".  Is this percentage the highest in the command? Is it high compared to other commands? It helps to provide context when using percentages. 
	 
	- If you are the LPO, are you not the person nominating someone for BJSOY or JSOY? Did anyone win at the Quarter level? Honestly, the advancement, BJSOQ/Y and JSOQ/Y could/should be under leadership.  You can flesh out the Div CC bullet.  Also, being a mentor doesn't match the FCPOA blurb here.  It should command or peer leadership/involvement.
 
	- Save the community service for block 44.  Wasting a lot of space here.  In block 44, you can simply put a blurb about your hours.
 
	- Need a stronger closing statement.  "Put this rising superstar in khakis! HIGHEST RECOMMENDATION FOR IMMEDIATE SELECTION! PRESS 100 NOW!"  (If you are truly #1, the eval should read like it.  If you aren't, don't use strong language.  It sends mixed signals to the board and it's easy to spot.  I don't know your individual trait average with this reporting senior so I cannot provide more direct feedback here.  This is solely based on what you posted.)
 
	- Are you an instructor at "A" school? If so, do you have class numbers?  
 
	- You have same info about volunteer service here in Block 44 as 41.  VOLUNTEER:  Boy Scouts Scoutmaster (## hours)