From the top:
- you need to have a strong promotion recommendation in the opener. If you truly are the #1, the CO is going to say how/why. This is where you might see something like "Ranks # of ## PO1s. Crucial to my XXX mission. Select now for MNC!" or "Already performing as a CPO, make pants match the shirt!"
- your leadership bullet reads like a collateral. What's the impact of your leadership? What are people accomplishing under your leadership? Retention? Promotion? Training? Also, too many words: "Led 42 Sailors that resulted in 93% mobilization readiness; ensured rapid deployment ISO national security". Is this percentage the highest in the command? Is it high compared to other commands? It helps to provide context when using percentages.
- If you are the LPO, are you not the person nominating someone for BJSOY or JSOY? Did anyone win at the Quarter level? Honestly, the advancement, BJSOQ/Y and JSOQ/Y could/should be under leadership. You can flesh out the Div CC bullet. Also, being a mentor doesn't match the FCPOA blurb here. It should command or peer leadership/involvement.
- Save the community service for block 44. Wasting a lot of space here. In block 44, you can simply put a blurb about your hours.
- Need a stronger closing statement. "Put this rising superstar in khakis! HIGHEST RECOMMENDATION FOR IMMEDIATE SELECTION! PRESS 100 NOW!" (If you are truly #1, the eval should read like it. If you aren't, don't use strong language. It sends mixed signals to the board and it's easy to spot. I don't know your individual trait average with this reporting senior so I cannot provide more direct feedback here. This is solely based on what you posted.)
- Are you an instructor at "A" school? If so, do you have class numbers?
- You have same info about volunteer service here in Block 44 as 41. VOLUNTEER: Boy Scouts Scoutmaster (## hours)